Friday, 18 May 2018

Slow your life down

What do you do when you can't sleep at 6 am and the whole house is sleeping?!   You blog.

It's amazing when you become "stuck" close to home.   You find things to do.   My garden has never been healthier,  daily trending & watering,  a new found obsession which beautifies and brings  joy to my life in a whole different way.

I've had amazing people come to me for visits while I lounge in the sunshine.   Friends for stop in's,  playdates, chair yoga with older neighbor (good for both of us) and just getting to know neighbors that unfortunately in the past I have not slowed down enough to get to know.  There is an amazing gift in strengthening a local bond that wasn't there before.   Favours offered and recieved as well as amazing things you learn and are inspired by that are right under your nose!

People are amazing.  Slow your life down and get to know those around you,  it's pretty eye opening and amazing!

Sunday, 13 May 2018

Mother's day

It was a special blessed Mother's day.
I was treated to an amazing kiddo making me breakfast to taste (not really eat because I chew and use what we call my spitoon) of a hashbrown and watermelon outside in the garden,  followed by getting out to church then a adventure to some trails in the delicious smelling cedar trees woods.   My amazing hubby showed his love by pushing a regular wheelchair on very rugged terrain up and down hill.   He sure had his workout today!  Spent time with my mom on that walk too.
I also got to call my beautiful mother-in-law and had a nice visit with her over Skype.  
Not to forget to mention the special Mother's Day greetings I recieved from so many special thoughtful people in my life.
I thank God for such a beautiful day of feeling fairly normal.  
Lots of love to you momma's  and female role models out there.  Lots of love!

Friday, 4 May 2018

What now?

Just being is how I have survived theses days.   Mostly watch the world go by.   It's harder to just be, I'm naturally a doer. I find joy in doing for others and now it is a real challenge and drain just doing for myself.    I can get comfy settled on my couch and become afraid to to things because I will use up too much energy and not have any left for the rest of the day.   I've played around with activity levels and if I play hard I fall into a deep sleep for like 3 hours afterwards.   Most days I'm able to play to some degree  of rest and activity balance that works really well.   The other day was more of a struggle than most days.   Most days I'm able to use the joy and happiness life has to offer. Managing to get outside and enjoy seeing plants grow and watch the world go by and interact with friends or family are all still very present in my life.  
The other day my daughter,  parents and I managed to get to the library followed by a stop at the park,  reading lying in the grass and making Daisie chains.   A glorious afternoon!   The following day I woke up feeling lost and unsure of what I'm able to do.  But by the end of the afternoon my daughter and I were  creating a fancy fairy garden and having a blast doing it!

With medication changes, loving support of family and friends & prayer I am slowly finding my way back to being functional again.   I have been able to see God at work in my life and been able to lean on him,  trust him and realize my purpose is to praise him, trust him and pray and think of those around me.  That my energy can do!

Sunday, 25 February 2018

7th Birthday

This weekend has been a very special weekend.   My daughter turned 7 years old.  

I've been working slowly over the last number of months prepping cake decor,  decorations,  crafts and activities for her party.   I love doing these sorts of projects and for me to participate with it I had to slowly working away at different parts needing to be done.  

Archeology sand blocks were made before Christmas.  Decorations printed and created early in January.   The cake was made a few weeks ago and frozen just needing to add the last minute details the night before.  

I also had amazing helpers with prepping many things.   This week an amazing friend has been in town and I've put her to work with last minute pick ups and set up and clean up.   My sister-in-law also picked up party food and led crafts and activities with the kiddos and clean up.   My hubby helped with my medical things as well as entertaining the kids and playing with them in the snow.  

The party was a success and it meant so much more than just a regular party.   You see it's hard to shake the thought of lasts.  
That quite possibly was the last birthday party I'll throw for my daughter and that made it extra special.   My life expectancy is very uncertain because we have no clue how quickly the cancer is growing and that is quite the challenge.   But, I will continue living life one day at a time and attempting to get every moments of joy out of them!

Living Life

Three our four weeks ago I (supported by my family and loved ones)  decided it was time to end treatments.
Each round of chemo tried to kill me in a different way and left me needing to isolate myself in my room most of the time due to extreme cold sensitivity when breathing air less than 24 degrees.   Energy levels were so low that I didn't even care I was so isolated and couldn't get outside.  I wasn't able to see friends and many a times not even able to read a book to my daughter.  I've had to have her hold the book while I struggled to read to her because it was just that hard to do.  I was getting confused and delirious and also going into increased liver failure.  CT scans and other tests are inconclusive about the success of the chemo but the fact that I am still struggling with increased bowel obstruction issues it seems fairly clear that it's not doing what it should or not doing enough. The reward is less than the torture of treatment that only has an end when I say it ends.

Since my diagnosis I have always known and told myself that there will come a point where quality of life is far more important than quantity  of life.   For this very reason I have made this decision to stop treatment and I feel so good about it.

I am living with much better quality now.  I have craft projects on the go, I get out for social walks at least once if not twice a day,  I can handle calm social visits with important friends and family, I have more energy to laugh and smile and play board games,  read to my daughter, get out to church and my daughter's hockey games when energy levels allow it and I pace myself to the extreme.
Bowel obstructions don't allow me to eat but I already am recieving most of my nutrition through special IV fluids (TPN)  every night due to what was an ileostomy that moved way too fast, not allowing me to absorb much nutrition.   I sit down to dinner with my family, chew the food then simply have a spitoon and don't swallow the food, gross but this allows me the joy of taste!
I am functional enough to occasionally socialize with other cancer survivors  through art therapy class, restorative yoga and a family group that meets once a month that we will start attending next week.   This is something that I'm hoping will be helpful to our whole family and give us some positive time together and support to Erik and Layna once I'm gone.

Because of the amazing support I get through my faith and many beautiful paper cranes being sent to my home by so many people as a sign of prayers and support as well as the physical and emotional support from my husband,  my daughter,  in-laws,  my parents, sister-in-law,  super awesome loving friends and almost daily visits from homecare nurses, I have an amazing quality of life!  Especially considering how unwell I am. Everyday is a struggle and my energy and activity ability can fluctuate widely from moment to moment but I'm taking each minute one step at a time.  
In my situation ending treatments has allowed me quality of life and I'll take every moment of joy I can get!

Monday, 4 December 2017

Repeat patient

I have become that repeat patient.   They know me all too well on the general surgery unit.   I always felt that once patients start coming in more frequently that was the beginning of the end.  Which could be true but we just don't know, I could have a month or I could have significantly longer. 
I've discussed with my family and realistically when it comes time I will go quickly.  Because of an iliostomy that is high output (empties about 4 litres a day) I'm kept alive on a daily basis because of 3 litres of IV food (TPN)  and about 1-2 litres of other IV fluids.  When I become too weak to maintain these consistently by myself I have decided  that it will be time to stop these infusions.  That means very quick dehydration when you consider how many IV fluids I get in a day.   This may sound like a terrible end to many of you but if you have seen the long drawn out tortured (for patient and family) end for many cancer patients fairly quick decompesating may be a blessing.   I have always been of the opinion that quality of life should definitely outway quantity.   The hard part is as you go along day by day in life and become more into survival mode you can only see the step or two in front of you and occasionally loose focus on the bigger picture.  I need to be sure to keep that picture for myself and my family clear.
As far as quality of life goes I actually feel quite good right right.  And that has everything to do with my family and friends helping me on a daily basis make my projects and dreams for the day become a reality.  They do the tedious, tiring parts of projects and I step in for the fun parts.   If I had to look after the tedious parts there is no way I would have energy for the fun parts and in turn no energy for fun and joys and in turn a poor quality of life. 
Palliative cares involvement in my case has being amazing.   Some people are scared off by even just talking about palliative care.   My case their involvement has drastically altered my quality of life.  I am on a continuous pain medication patch and 4 different medication injections multiple times throughout a day.   They control abdominal cramping and pain quite well.  I didn't realize how much pain I was in until after I started on these medications. Chronic pain fogs the mind and you can't think, problem solve and look into the future because you mind is so focused of survival of making it through that moment.  Palliative care has given me the gift of pain management and this has released my brain to be able to think about other things and other people a little bit more as well.  Knitting,  handling occasional listening to music,  handling having a small crowd of people around or doibg light easy yoga are all things that a couple of months ago were draining to the extreme.  They are still draining but at least I can process in my mind that they are and I can pace out my day to be able to do some of these joys in life again.

I'm living a higher quality of life solely because of the willingness, helpfulness and understanding of those around me. For this they will never truly know and understand the gift they have given me.  Thank you is not a strong enough word,  but THANK YOU!!!

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

Feeling Loved

It's been a rough couple of weeks and there will be a lot of challenge, exhaustion and pain in my future.  But do you know what there is even more of?   LOVE! There is love in every hand squeeze,  every smile,  every little text message,  every visit, every drawing, all the bright flowers, every meal delivered to my family, all the emails, every playdate for my daughter,  every mundane task I'm helped with,  every Skype visit from those far away, every medication given and in all information, teaching and experience shared.  Love is all around! 

The cancer through out my entire abdomen is back.  So much so that the surgeon couldn't determine between bowel,  pelvic wall and tumour in my lower abdomen.   If and how far it spreads through the rest of my body is not known yet.   I am currently recovering from 9 days with no nutrition followed by surgery which has left me with in incision from lower sternum all the way down to lower abdomen,  a g-tube and an iliostomy (or poop-bag, as my daughter calls it). 

Every act of love adds a little bubblewrap bubble of love surrounding me.  I am in a love bubble and it is helping cushion me from the hard blows that life is throwing at me.